I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
