You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
