Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
