how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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