i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
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you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
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My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
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