Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
