sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
