A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
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