This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize
