69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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