So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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