My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
