If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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