Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
