wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
