I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
