Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
