Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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