I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
