Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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