I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.