I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
