watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
