So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
