I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
