just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
