Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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