rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
