so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
