I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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