Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
