Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
