btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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