Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
