He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
