in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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