dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
