Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
