Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
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my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
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Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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