Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
