i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
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I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
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wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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