im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Randomize
