I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
