I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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