I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
