She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
