found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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