okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
