She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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