FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
