My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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