Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
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