Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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