so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
