I think my fart just growled at me.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
