did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
