Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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